Memoir of Spirit: The self vs the shadow
I appeared backward, showing my worst over my best. I’ve been living in shadows, hiding out like a snail only emerging in the rain. If we compare that to colors or shades, it would be more in black and white, depending on what we choose to feed ourselves about others. In this story, I refer to the parable of the Cherokee Natives about the one you feed. In society, it’s what we, as humans, feed to ourselves or about others. I lost myself in a Uzumaki, a downward spiral of self. Those who struggle with mental health issues know that we can spiral down or up. In my downward spiral, I faced my shadow self—seeing the version I never wanted to reveal. Yet, we are not always balanced within ourselves or our purpose. Healing and life are not linear. Still, we can choose to exist on perpendicular or parallel lines.
If we narrow our focus to society, we can look at major issues in communities like exclusivity. This is the black, which is linked to other controversial topics such as centralism, similar to fascism or dystopian thinking. Think back to 1984, by George Orwell; does it start with the thought police, or is it the beginning of the globalization of our economy and the fall into late-stage capitalism and modern times? Our current government seems quite centralist as they focus on connecting and projecting a predominantly white audience. Looking at it backward, this race of white is associated with black—the color linked to centralism, symbolizing the darkness of human nature. The desire for power and control, often tied to whiteness, is an old story of domination, leading to the whitewashing of natives, African Americans, and their rich heritage and cultures.
Refocusing back to the self, and my journey, the legend of the red dwarf, the Nain Rouge, and the start of spring symbolize native efforts to chase out the white devil from their land. Yet, with weapons like guns, knives, or modernly words, we can choose to rage battle or burn these influences out of our lives and seek goodness for ourselves and others. Social media functions as a propaganda machine recycling much on the black of society. Reading these kinds of posts of the 2-dimensional thinking of politics today. Has really taken hold and done a number on the grey, or the millennials. It has radicalized us and we aren’t seeing everything with clarity.
What could true goodness, connected to the spirit of self and a higher bond with Mother Earth, bring? I often think about iridescence or transcendence—energy and wavelengths unique to each person. To me, people are like colors, some carry invisible wavelengths—radioactive, ultraviolet, infrared—visible to the eye. When considering mental health and symptoms of psychosis—where DMT, serotonin, and electrical activity spike—auditory hallucinations might be seen as superpowers for highly sensitive individuals, even if society deems otherwise. We all exist on this scale. What’s typically looked down upon doesn’t define us. How we choose to see ourselves defines our authenticity and the goodness of the self.
My mother always says, “Make good choices.” reminding me to live within my iridescence—my highest self—in a balanced life. While the color white might seem pure and opaque, in spiritual terms, it can be offensive. My spirit’s colors are a deep, rich blue-violet—the color of nebulas and the universe’s vastness a combination of indigo and violet flowers. To me, God is the universe and nature combined: the eyes of God are within the bark of trees, the seeds and spores we plant and spread, through our wisdom, understanding, and compassion.
Reflecting on my shadow and society’s, I see myself in a mirror—my reflection, light, and colors. If we look universally, my spectrum is a rainbow—a whole range of light and variation, symbolizing transcendence and iridescence. To me, goodness is clarity—seeing people, situations, and time clearly over purity. My ancestors and spirit guides are reflected in the animals of nature, especially the wolf, reminding me that though my skin is white, we’ve all lived in different colors through past lives. This history stretches back to ancient times, leaning more toward a Pythagorean worldview than Plato’s—both brilliant thinkers, but one more connected to magic and metaphysics, which I consciously embrace.
After my healing journey, I’ve identified key archetypes based on Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey: the caregiver, the magician, and the explorer. I’ve taken a hero’s path of self-discovery through a personal renaissance—a kind of deus ex machina in my artistic expression and language. The question “Does art imitate life, or does life imitate art?” drives me. I plan to craft my own story as a wandering kitsune—someone who picks up thoughts and ideas, swirling them in the cauldron of consciousness—linking frequency, energy, vibration, and wavelength.
Thanks for wandering with me,
Nyx